Let me help you be sexy while playing sports!

Hey ladies!  Do you feel feel unattractive and undesirable when you line up at the local 5K?  Does playing basketball make you feel wistful for the other balls you’d really like to play with?  Well do not fear, dear ladies, because I am here to make sure you never, ever have to spend a single second of your life thinking about something other than being the best, bounciest sexbot you can possibly be.

The first thing you should do is get rid of your ratty old race t-shirts and ditch those baggy basketball shorts.  We are going for super sexy sexiness here, so get yourself some yoga pants – because we all know that yoga pants equal insta-boners for miles around – and squeeze your boobs into a tiny tank top.  The more skin showing, the better, because as one Cher Horowitz once said, “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.”

Words of wisdom, Cher.

Sometimes it takes more than bare skin to catch the eye of that special someone. Sometimes you have to be a little more overt when it comes to transmitting your desire to have the sexiest sex ever.  It’s not enough to just flip your loose ponytail over your shoulder or to wave the tendrils of hair you so artfully freed from your pink Yankees cap away from your face.  You want the object of your desire to know that you have both boobs and ass and you know how to use them, so start learning how to twist your torso so you can best display both of your womanly assets at the same time.

Girl power! (Courtesy The Hawkeye Initiative)

You’ll look sexy AND like you can kick ass at the same time!  Just don’t try to run…or catch anything…or jump…or really do anything. You might obliterate your vertebrae if you move too much. (And for god’s sake, don’t grimace when you tear every muscle in your back. That’s so unsexy.)

Remember, the goal is to only look like you are enjoying yourself as an athlete. Your real goal is to make sure everyone who sees you wants to have sex with you, because that is the true mark of your worth as a woman.  Anything less than a chorus of boners popping at immediate attention in your presence means you have failed.

We don’t want you to be too obvious about this, because as the whole world knows, there is nothing at all sexy about a woman who openly and frankly expresses her sexual desires.  Because you are a proper woman, any sexiness you convey must be accidental. Letting people know that you are trying to be sexy on purpose just makes you look like a slut, and nothing tells people you aren’t interested in being sexy like looking like a slut.  So remember, be natural and relaxed while twisting your spine in an S-shape and bending over at the waist to show off your magnificent tatas and your luscious booty. But for god’s sake, don’t look like you are trying too hard.

Be careful of being a try-hard when it comes to the actual sports themselves.  You might be excited to show off your mad skills on the court, but be aware, a lot of guys will feel worse about themselves if you show that you are good at something.  When you throw the ball, toss it with a floppy arm and when it only goes seven inches, squeal that you are soooo bad at sports, omg you guys! If you can, trip and fall down while giggle. (Your sexy superwoman pose will be very useful for this.)  That will give him the perfect opportunity to exercise some chivalry, and you can show him that, despite your sexy superwoman pose, all you really need is a big strong man to take care of you.

Now is not the time to do your best Jennie Finch impersonation.

So you’ve got your sexy sports outfit and your sexy ass-kicking pose down. Now we have to work on that gross sweating thing.  As we all know, women do not sweat.  We glisten and glow.  If you sweat, you are doing Sexy Woman wrong.  To avoid the dreaded full-blown sweat, don’t run too fast or work too hard.  (Fortunately, your sexy superhero pose will help with that, like a built-in sweat repellant.)  If you can, move just enough to cause a light sheen of sweat to form all over your body.  That will give you that ultra-sexy shiny-skin look that lesser mortals have to use baby oil to achieve.

And there you have it!  You will be the ultra-sexiest sexy sports girl anywhere you go.  Never again will you have to endure the indignity of playing hard and getting sweaty and enjoying the thrill of pure sport by going head-to-head with equally skilled competitors, regardless of their gender.  Now you can dedicate every waking moment of your life to making sure you are the sexiest sex-bomb to ever sex-bomb.  After all, what more is there in life for us ladies?

(This post inspired by this oh-so-helpful “How to Be Sexy and Play Sports” guide. Thanks, Wikihow!)

53 responses to “Let me help you be sexy while playing sports!

    • I realize I am a little late to this conversation, but that WikiHow article–WTF? Item 4 telling women to put on perfume and deodorant cracks me up. I get stung by bees and wasps a lot, and after my third sting while riding last summer, one of my friends asked if I wore scented lotion. I said that no, even my deodorant was unscented. He laughed and asked why I was wearing deodorant to ride a bike all day in the summer sun with a bunch of stinky men. He was so right. Since then, I have not put on deodorant before a workout.

      • Okay, your comment made me realize that I often put on deodorant before going out for a run which makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE because I’m going to get so sweaty that no deodorant, no matter how extra strength it may be, is going to provide even the tiniest bulwark against the flood of perspiration. So I’ve stopped doing that. Thanks for the reality check.

  1. Wow! All my life I have been grunting and sweating my way through workouts and wondering why, despite my enthusiatic glow (read: bright red beamer) no one desperately wanted to bone me. Now I realise that 90% of the time I was working out WAY too hard and that the one time I tried to strike a sexy pose and knocked over the water cooler that guy REALISED I was trying to be sexy… No WONDER he wasnt interested. I mean, expressing sexuality, who do I think I am, a MAN?

    Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much for this post! Now I can attract my knight in shining armour!

    On a serious note (and language apologies in advance) I once saw a girl applying fake tan BEFORE a ‘workout’. fuck. that. shit.

  2. Oh, my God. Is that article for real? “Don’t look too competitive?” How does one LOOK competitive? BRB, I’m just going to go slam my head into my desk for a while…

  3. Yoga pants = boners as far as the eye can see.

    This would be hilarious if people didn’t actually think this shit.

    • My friend and I actually once had a conversation about how strange it is that yoga pants have become this super-seksi item of clothing, because it used to be seen as a sign that the wearer just didn’t give a shit about anything beyond being comfortable.

      • I don’t get it either. I think of them as sweatpants. They’re just sweatpants that don’t get in my way. And apparently let dudes know I’m a super sexy sex goddess who wants to have all the sex with all the dudes.

  4. I think if you re-read this article and then at the end notice that she wrote it in response to a WikiHow article about being sexy and sporty at the same time, you’ll realize that the author is using sarcasm to make a point.

  5. This was great. Seriously.

    Just to give wikihow some credit, there is a hilARious article over there on how to hide farts.

  6. Yeah, I left a scathing comment on that dopey Wikihow page earlier, based on what you said on FB. In case it gets yanked for being too uppity, here it is: “This is a joke, right? Do you really think women should give a rat’s behind about looking sexy when they’re competing? This is sports, not a strip club. Get with the 21st century, and stop trying to make everything a woman does fodder for men’s masturbatory fantasies.”

    • I SAW THAT! Because a crotch should always be fresh as a dew-dappled daisy in the morning sunlight, right?

      The sad thing is that it’s not like there isn’t already a market out there for women who pee themselves a little when they work out, but that wasn’t enough. They had to invent a whole new problem in an attempt to sell even more things!

  7. YOU ARE AWESOME. I laughed so hard I snorted! I’m guessing that’s not approved sexy behavior either.

  8. I love how some people thought you were being serious….

    This is a perfect response to a terrible article! Just yesterday I was talking to my colleague about my competition, and he actually said: “What happened to the nice, quiet, feminine lady who started working here last year?” I almost bitch slapped him. Ha.

  9. Caitlin, you are wonderful.

    Favorite lines from the linked article:

    “Subtle sexiness is sexier than blunt sexiness…” —– but they ARE both sexy, right?
    “Don’t bend over and touch your toes; this destroys hamstrings” —- this could be telling
    “When you are off the field, cheer for your team and wander along the field playfully.”

    If you need me, I’ll be playfully wandering a field somewhere, smiling and giggling.

    • I honestly feel like this was written by a teenage girl who has this image about romantic relationships that has almost entirely been informed by magazine culture with basically no real-life experience at all. In that way I feel a little bad about it, but at the same time, you can’t put that kind of stuff out there and expect people to not cut you major side-eye.

  10. Now I know I’m doing it all wrong; and especially since I don’t even look very sexy in my yoga pants since my quads have become too big and they stick out too much. Better use lighter weights from now on…..and read that Wikihow article….love your post Caitlin!

  11. This = hilarious! Great job!!

    (I went and read the original article, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. I totally think it was written by a young teenage girl. Plus, most of her advice seemed to boil down to, “Enjoy yourself and don’t freak out so much about whether you look good,” with “so much” being the operative phrase. She can’t yet conceive of NOT CARING AT ALL what you look like, but she can see that caring too much can take you right out of the game and that’s no fun. She is still looking for a happy medium, though, when none exists.)

    • I agree that it was probably written by a teenage girl, in which case I’d strongly urge her to reconsider her desire to position herself as an authority on this. Plus, the “showing off your flexibility” thing is just weird, and also rather juvenile.

      • Plus, the “showing off your flexibility” thing is just weird, and also rather juvenile.

        LOL. Yeah, that was the one I found most amusing, too.

        It was extra funny for me because I’m not very flexible at all (well, except in the hips, and I doubt anyone wants to stop the game long enough for me to wow them at the Sit-&-Reach; I guess I could put my head on my knees, but that also requires me to sit down), but I *am* very strong. I wonder if it would be sexy for me to go around randomly picking up big things?

  12. Oh dear. I clicked on the article. Number 5 = ‘Have Self Esteem’. Yes. Thank you for the rest of the article. Which has helped with all the self esteem.

    Also, she suggests ‘playfully doing the splits’ but my team mate tried doing the splits at roller derby to save us our spots for the line up, but she just got in trouble with the ref as a tripping hazard. Maybe she didn’t do the splits playfully enough? Or maybe the ref thoughts she was being bluntly sexy….

  13. Um, Caitlin…under what circumstances were you searching for the contents of that WikiHow article? I’m dying to know. I’m also dying of lolz. The original piece comes with a…um…warning: “You might get sweaty. You might even get uncomfortable. That’s the whole point of exercising.” You don’t say.

  14. When I’m playing sports and working out my main concern is definitely being sexy. I mean come on who isn’t trying to be sexy?!? How cares about winning?!?!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    I prefer to look like a sweaty dog that looks like it is desperately in need of a bath when I workout. Now that is sexy.

  15. I loved this. You had me smiling from the start. The description of the “S” pose is perfect. Your work draws attention to the problematic “expectations” of women athletes with fantastic wit.

  16. This is a real thing? Read the “inspiration post” and died. I love that after telling you all the ways you’re messing up on being sexy it is then insisted that you have self esteem. Because self esteem is sexy. So long as that self is the specifically acceptable social norm.

    • I actually came across this post a couple of days ago myself and I thought it was fantastic. The whole blog seems great, actually. Thanks for letting me know about it!

  17. Great post, but you missed ‘Make sure your perfectly manicured nails match your outfit.’ This is the key to sporty sexiness, I feel.

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